Ode To Porn Star Boobs

June 10, 2009

*Warning: If you are a man, read at your own risk.

Nate is weaned. I am done. Forever. I am so so so excited about this. My relationship with breastfeeding stems from pure guilt. I do not enjoy it. I definitely don’t love it. But, really, I feel obligated.

What drives me crazy about breastfeeding advocates is the lies. Lies, lies, lies. A couple of my favorites are: 1. It is easier than bottle feeding. 2. If it hurts you are doing it wrong. 3. You will bond more with your child. 4. It will help you lose weight.

TRUTH:

1. It is not easy. It is hard. It is life sucking to be the only person who can feed your child. It is not easy to try to nurse in public when right as your milk lets down your eight month old decides he doesn’t want to nurse and milk is spraying everywhere and your boob is hanging out and your baby is squirming under your cover threatening to spray and flash everyone around. Trust me, it is much easier to pack a bottle.

2. The first weeks of nursing are horrible. You will ache and throb. I remember with Nate, crying every time he wanted to nurse because it hurt so badly. But, once you can push past that point, the pain does go away. I compare the everyday uncomfortablity of nursing to popping a zit. Ya know when you have a big zit that needs to be popped and you can feel the achyness every time you smile, so you go the bathroom, and squeeze it and it hurts so bad right before it pops, but then once it pops it feels so much better. The same thing as full nursing boobs. Achy, start nursing, milk lets down and it is that same swollen pain and then the baby starts slurping away and then relief. Sweet relief.

3. Oh please. I could bond just as well with my child by staring into his eyes while holding a bottle. That is all I really have to say about that.

4. This is one of my favorites. “The weight will just fall off.” This was not the case for me or my girlfriends. Admittedly, in the beginning months, the weight is probably easier to lose, but if you read the fine print, most breast feeding info will say, “Some women’s bodies hold onto the last 5-10 lbs of fat as an assurance there will be enough calories to make milk for the baby.” I will say, I did technically lost all my weight while still nursing, but I had to work for it and it took about six months after I quit nursing to feel like my body was “back to normal.” And don’t even get me started on the mysterious addition of back fat. Another tidbit, my boobs stayed huge, I am talking porn star style until I completely weaned my babes. It didn’t matter if they nursed every hour or twice a day, I couldn’t wear any thing that buttoned up from my pre momma wardrobe. If you are thinking, that is would be wonderful, it is not, it is a pain and I now more than ever wonder why anyone would want to have ginormous boobs.

I am definitely an advocate for breastfeeding, but I am also an advocate for the truth. Just tell me up front that it is going to suck (sorry, I couldn’t resist), tell me it is going to be hard, tell me it is life altering and tell me that as intense as it is, it is a gift that only I can give my children and it is a gift that I will never ever regret giving.

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10 Responses to “Ode To Porn Star Boobs”

  1. Carissa Miller Says:

    AMEN SISTER! Preach on! I say ditto to #1, #2, #3, and #4. I think I need to start a countdown to when I will be done nursing. No, that would be too depressing since I’ve got a ways to go. I am super pumped for you though!

  2. Jenny Babington Says:

    So funny and so true! I am weaning now and totally excited about it. Last time I weaned it was because I was…SURPRISE….pregnant again. I can’t wait to find out what it is like not be pregnant or breastfeeding for the first time in three years!

  3. Emily Says:

    Ok, so I agree to some extent… Nursing is very very hard! and no one tells you that, it is supposed to be instinctual, but it’s not, that is why we have lactation consultants to teach you how to teach your baby how to nurse. But, my sister nursed and had no issues at all and yet the minute Lucien would latch on I wanted to scream! On the point of it being easier than bottle feeding I do believe that, once i weaned Lucien I hated having to carry the bottles everywhere and make sure I had enough formula and bottle water… literally hated it, breastfeeding was so much easier (and least in that respect) but Lucien when he latched on didn’t move, just concentrated on eating. My boobs stayed huge and I loved it, being very small chested it was a different experience but I didn’t mind. And I lost 30 pounds in the first two weeks, and then little by little after that, but yeah they don’t inform you that you can’t really get all of it off until after you wean! Even though it was hard, when we have our next one (someday) I am totally excited about doing it again… even though I may have to eat my words on that one! Being the sole person that can give your child nourishment is was wonderful blessing and a tremendous burden at the same time. I will always recommend breast feeding – but as you stated by telling the truth!

    So on that note, since your baby is weaned – let’s go get a margarita!!!

  4. Sarah Says:

    You said it. Guilt is the driving force and all the rest is the truth too.

  5. Heidi Says:

    I absolutely agree with you. I whole heartedly believe in breastfeeding, but I also think the truth is what women need to hear (and, both sides of the truth, not just the bad stuff).

    I would LOVE to collect your stories, anecdotes, journal notes, whatever for a book I’m eventually going to try to get published called, “Mommy Goes Moo: Confessions of a Human Dairy Cow” It’s exactly that kind of book: direct, honest, right between the eyes.

    Send me some!

  6. Katy Says:

    I TOTALLY agree! For me all this was more than true with the second. I FELT completely overwhelmed with having two kids, and breastfeeding was one more thing on my plate. Not to mention one thing that I never really enjoyed. When I weaned at 12 weeks it was so FREEING!! Though, I do miss the porn star boobs!! Love your honesty, it is so true!!

  7. Lainee Says:

    Okay, I don’t want to be the weirdo here but I have done it three times and LOVED it. I am still BFing (as my husband calls it) and I get sad when I think about it ending soon : (
    I have talked to MANY of my clients and friends who have had the same experience as you so I know that I am just one of the VERY few blessed mommas. My neighbor just had her 4th and she said the first three were soooo easy- the 4th is soooo bad – she said if this were the first she would have quit and never breastfed again!
    I enjoyed reading this.
    Now- go get that margarita!!! You have earned it!!!!

  8. Liz Says:

    I agree with you! We are barely hanging in there at one feeding a day now, but I know my nursing days are numbered.

  9. Martha Says:

    I am also one of those “lucky” ones I guess, sure it’s uncomfortable but just for the first couple of weeks, for me at least. Now I am still nursing the twins and it is easier than bottles- at home at least, when they were littler and we would go out I would always have my pump with me and bottles because there was no way to tandem in public discreetly. My boobs were barely a b before I got pregnant the first time and then after nursing they go down to barely an A! I don’t mind the size they are now but I know when I stop they will go down so I’m in no hurry to stop. As for being the only one that can feed the babies that is a HUGE responsiblity and what my cousin did was when her baby was little she would pump one side and feed on only one side and that way she got an extra bottle every time so she always had a freezer full and could come and go as she pleased..As for the weight..I think if you have a lot of weight to lose then BFing will help but if you just have a couple it won’t.. It didn’t really help with my first three even though I had quite a bit I wanted to lose, but nursing twins must burn twice as many calories.. Now that they are 12 months I don’t feel like I have to nurse them anymore but I get to keep burning more calories which means that I can eat more YEAH! and still have nice size boobs…but I only nurse once first thing in the morning (around 630) so they will go back to sleep for a while and then before they go to bed so they can get calmed down.. I do feel sorry for women that have a hard time with it and feel very blessed to have mostly positive experience..

  10. Cori Says:

    Martha and Lainee- So happy for you guys. (I am not saying that sarcastically, I really really am.) I know there are many women out there that love breastfeeding. I am just not one of them!
    Carissa- Hang in there. You will only have one more kid to nurse after Cohen (you know it’s true)!!!
    Jenny- Good job going from nursing to pregnant to nursing again and sticking with it this long. That is rough.
    Emily- Bring on the margarita (although, nursing doesn’t stop me from drinking)!!!


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