Let it go, Let yourself flow

September 10, 2009

My cup of mama guilt is overflowing and I hate it.  I strive to live my life not constantly feeling like I am not giving enough or trying hard enough or am not perfect enough. Because no matter how hard I try or how much I give, some one will always be able to do it better (at least from the outside looking in) and someone else will always want more. I don’t mean that in a depressing self deprecating way, but in a spirit of acceptance. I like who I am. I am never going to be the girl who fixes her hair every day. I am never going to be the mom that has a special craft every afternoon and isn’t afraid of glitter. I am never going to be the wife that greets her husband with a smile and a cocktail every night. I am okay with this. But these last two weeks. Oh mama. First, being sick didn’t help. I felt so guilty that on Scott’s first day of school I didn’t wake up early and fix him a special breakfast. It was all I could do to hobble into school and force a smile when I dropped him off. I felt guilty that I couldn’t snuggle Nate while I was sick and then even more guilty that I knew he didn’t understand why.

Gut wrenching mom moment #1- Putting your screaming one year old on the floor, slamming the door in his face so you can puke, looking up to see his fingers poking under the door and him lying on the wood floor watching you in the little crack (still screaming).

I feel guilty I was in such a bad mood during the move. I was grouchy to Mike and fake happy to the kids (ps, kids can tell the difference between fake happy and real happy). I was in survival mode. I feel so guilty that my tiny four year old is skin and bones from being sick. Those of you who know me well, remember the stress of Scott’s tininess as a toddler. Test after test, meeting with the nutritionist, me writing down every morsel he put in his mouth for two weeks (I am talking about counting out gold fish obsessing).I am trying very hard to not obsess, but I find my self holding my breath every time Scott takes a bite and silently praying that he will take another one.

Gut wrenching mom moment #2- Yelling at your child while crying (I was crying not him), “Please just eat. Please eat.”

I feel guilty that Nate wants me to hold him every second and I don’t want to. I feel guilty that I am “forcing” Scott to got to school. I feel guilty that he is holding back tears when I pick him up and hugs me so hard it hurts.

Gut wrenching mom moment #3- Having your 4-year-old blinking back tears while trying to talk you into not making him go to school. “Please don’t make me go. I just want hang out with you. School just has too many minutes in it. If you let me stay here, I can help you with Tots. I am a really good helper with him.” It almost would have been easier if he would have freaked out instead of trying to talk in his quivering voice.

I am trying to let go. I am trying to have a good inner monologue and to know that some things I just don’t have control over. I am trying to remember, feeling guilty doesn’t change the situation, it only wears me out.

I need a girls night out.


13 Responses to “Let it go, Let yourself flow”

  1. Martha Says:

    Oh Cori,
    I’m so sorry you are having such a hard week. I rarely feel like a good mom, and I always feel like there are such better moms out there than me, I often wonder what was God thinking when He gave me 5! But no one on this planet will ever love those kids more then you. I think you are a great mom, and your kids are awesome because of that and because of you.

  2. Sara Says:

    I have a really hard time with mommy guilt too. I rarely feel like a good mom and that’s hard when being a mom is your only “job”. I guess we all just need to be better about focusing on the good things we do instead of the mistakes we make. I would love to have a girls night out too!!

  3. Heather Peterson Says:

    i know exactly what you mean about praying your kid takes another bite of food! i still do that with inga, sometimes i even have to bribe her with fruit (i always said i would never do that, before kids). she got the flu in december and i remember thinking “how am i ever going to get her to gain this weight back???” needless to say, she is on the highest fat diet. its all butter, cream, meat, eggs, whole milk (erik loves this diet) and she is still skinny. would love to have a girls night out too, if i wasn’t so far away…..
    my dad ordered me a fermenting crock and the senders address was from edmond, ok- made me think of you.

    • Cori Says:

      I miss you Heather! Anytime I think of CO, I think of you. I wish we were closer and we could fatten the kids up together!

      • Heather Peterson Says:

        I miss you!! anytime i think of co, i think of you too! and bennys (yum!) and vitamin cottage! there is a good chance erik will be deploying within the next 6 months, so maybe i will come visit you, mike and the boys. its been too long and i will need something to do to…

  4. midlifereality Says:

    You’re such a wonderful Mother. Don’t let guilt rob you of one minute. Your children are so loved and cared for. The Devil speaks through guilt to women because we fall for it. Sounds crazy but true. Scott will eat and be fine, don’t stress over it. School will be fine, too. He will adjust, he just needs some time. You definitely need a girls’ night out. Step away so you can put it in perspective. I am so proud of the woman you are. I love you.

    • Cori Says:

      Love you Mom. Thank you for the support.
      PS Could you home school Scott so no one will ever be mean to him and he never will have to do anything he doesn’t want to do?

  5. bethany Says:

    You are an incredible mom! Are you kidding me?! I would HOPE to be half the mom you are someday! Scott & Nate are lucky to have you! That being said – I don’t understand mommy guilt yet – but from the outside looking in, you are being way to hard on yourself. Get some perspective…have a girls night out… or girls weekend in KC … (had to throw that in!)
    Hang in there friend – praying for you and Scott during this transition. Preschool is going to be so good for him!
    PS I love you and your vulnerability. Thanks for putting it out there like it is=)

  6. Kristin Says:

    Man I felt like I was reading a transcript of my own life. Being a mom is SO hard. I struggle with guilt very badly and the more I let it get to me the more guilty I feel. When I’m in a funk and people try to reassure me that “I’m a great mom” the more I look at all the things I’m not doing or think to myself “If they only knew the real story” It is a vicious cycle, that can be difficult to get out of.

    No one expects you to be super-mom(except for you 😉 )At the end of the day your kids know they are loved. Besides how will your children ever learn to understand grace, forgiveness and being humble if you don’t make mistakes that you must ask for forgiveness and humble yourself in front of them and God.

    I would love to go out with you for a girls night! Maybe we should take another self defense class and get some stress out!! In the mean time I will be praying for you.

    • Cori Says:

      Let’s definitely do a girls night out! (or afternoon out!) Or something, really anything fun… I don’t think you need any more moves though!

  7. Liz Says:

    Wow! You are going through a lot. It’s making ME tear up! I hope it gets better with the school stuff. And I’m glad you are feeling better. I know what you mean when you have to ignore a screaming baby! For some reason, Kinley always has a major freak out and needs to be held everytime I have to clean up one of Finn’s “messes” (we’re still working on potty training). I am desperately trying to clean everything up while she just follows me, screaming. It sucks.

  8. Charity Says:

    Your post almost made me cry!! I don’t have kids and can’t imagine what those moments feel like. But I do think, those are just moments. Your kids will never doubt how much you love them. They will grow up with a great mom and those few moments where you were sick and couldn’t cuddle them so much or where it seemed like you were making them do something they didn’t like will be forgotten, lost into the chasm of love you give to them.

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