Genie in a Bottle

February 2, 2011

The snow blizzard has arrived. Mike is out of town and my biggest fear throughout this blizzard is losing power. Alone. With two little kids. Being literally snowed in. Seriously, trapped. And not knowing how to start a fire. (note to self: learn how to start a fire.)

I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so nervous. Finally at midnight, anxiety ridden, I prayed. I prayed that if God let us get through this without losing power that I would go to church for six months straight. Then I decided that I didn’t want to commit to something I knew I couldn’t do (sick kids, vacations, etc) so I changed it to: Get to church often but if we miss church to watch it online, every week for six months.

Yes, I know I am ridiculous. Yes, I know God is not a genie. Yes, I know God doesn’t bargain like that, and yes, I knew this while I was doing it. Yes, I am that lame.

So far, we haven’t lost power. No, I am not saying the only reason I didn’t lose power was because I committed to church (honestly, I am kind of surprised God didn’t make me lose power and then leave me a message in the snow that said, “Have you not read the verse that says DO NOT TEST GOD”) BUT I am saying, If I make a commitment I follow through.

Tonight I decided to be an overachiever and watch church from last week online because that’s how I roll. I was sitting on my couch crying.

It was about fear. “What we fear the most reveals what we value the most and what we fear the most is also where we trust God the least.” How true is that? My biggest fear is someone hurting my kids. This comes from a lot of different places. A child molesting youth pastor, volunteer work, my pre kids job, child molesting camp counselors and private school teachers. The person most likely to hurt your child is the person you suspect the least. One in three girls will be abused. One in four boys will be abused. I get choked up with fear even thinking about the day my children will start having sleep overs and going to camp and playing sports and being away from me more than they are with me.

I am scared to go to church and be close to God because I am scared that he will test my faith by allowing someone to hurt my children.

It is an issue.

I am not going to go into every detail of what Craig talked about, I won’t explain it right and it will be better to watch yourself. However, I will say, I didn’t realize how deep my fear was. And I don’t want to project my fears onto my children and affect their lives negatively.

The next six months I am going to do more than go through the motions of church. I think I am going to embrace it and run with it and see where it leads me. My goal is to be present, to learn and to apply.

Now to find a church….

 

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5 Responses to “Genie in a Bottle”

  1. aubreylinn Says:

    I love your words. Your fears are recognized in God’s eyes. He hears you and is thankful for your honesty. It is only when we acknowledge the need of Him that He can come in and comfort you, how can we feel His comfort when we don’t admit the necessity of it? 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

    And, being snowed in myself with another little angel, I too am praying for our power to stay on!

  2. maren Says:

    Thanks for sharing, Cori! My husband is a teaching pastor and recently gave a series on “Storms.” I was pregnant with #2 and scared silly that God would test me because my husband was preaching it… sigh.

  3. carissa Says:

    I definitely plan to watch that video as soon as my kiddos are down for naps. I, also, deal with crazy fear…especially when it comes to my kids. My fear threatens to control me if I will let it and like you, I am determined not to let it. Easier said than done at times. The quote you shared about fear is so true. Ever since I have had kids I just can’t seem to entrust them to God. I deal with fear, yes, but now I even deal with anger ABOUT my fear. Why do I have to live in this world where I have to be afraid about people hurting my children? Why do children get abused? Why do children starve? The sad thing is, I know that I will never know the answers to those questions in this life and so I have to, I must, find a way to be at peace about it. I can’t live my life angry and in fear. Just so you know, I believe in you. You are an amazing wife and mother and I know you will work it through in your own way, in your own time. And hopefully I will be right there with you.

    Love you. Sorry about the novel. You know how I am. 🙂

  4. bethany Says:

    love you friend. you are such an awesome mama and your boys are lucky to have you as their mom. In the past 7 months I have dealt with fear like never before in my life. motherhood is wonderful and totally completely scary at times. i completely understand the feeling of being afraid that God will test our fears. the scripture….and i have no idea where it is…that i have repeated over and over and over the past year is “Lord I believe. Help my unbelief”

    Good stuff friend.

    Oh and PS….this “deal” with God means that we are either 1) going to be going to church in Austin or 2) watching church on a laptop…while we lay out at the pool. Just planning ahead=)

  5. blarkey2 Says:

    You are awesome. Although I’m not a mom, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying as church going hasn’t always been super smooth for me as an adult. Glad you are my friend. Excited for you!


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