Ode To Porn Star Boobs

June 10, 2009

*Warning: If you are a man, read at your own risk.

Nate is weaned. I am done. Forever. I am so so so excited about this. My relationship with breastfeeding stems from pure guilt. I do not enjoy it. I definitely don’t love it. But, really, I feel obligated.

What drives me crazy about breastfeeding advocates is the lies. Lies, lies, lies. A couple of my favorites are: 1. It is easier than bottle feeding. 2. If it hurts you are doing it wrong. 3. You will bond more with your child. 4. It will help you lose weight.

TRUTH:

1. It is not easy. It is hard. It is life sucking to be the only person who can feed your child. It is not easy to try to nurse in public when right as your milk lets down your eight month old decides he doesn’t want to nurse and milk is spraying everywhere and your boob is hanging out and your baby is squirming under your cover threatening to spray and flash everyone around. Trust me, it is much easier to pack a bottle.

2. The first weeks of nursing are horrible. You will ache and throb. I remember with Nate, crying every time he wanted to nurse because it hurt so badly. But, once you can push past that point, the pain does go away. I compare the everyday uncomfortablity of nursing to popping a zit. Ya know when you have a big zit that needs to be popped and you can feel the achyness every time you smile, so you go the bathroom, and squeeze it and it hurts so bad right before it pops, but then once it pops it feels so much better. The same thing as full nursing boobs. Achy, start nursing, milk lets down and it is that same swollen pain and then the baby starts slurping away and then relief. Sweet relief.

3. Oh please. I could bond just as well with my child by staring into his eyes while holding a bottle. That is all I really have to say about that.

4. This is one of my favorites. “The weight will just fall off.” This was not the case for me or my girlfriends. Admittedly, in the beginning months, the weight is probably easier to lose, but if you read the fine print, most breast feeding info will say, “Some women’s bodies hold onto the last 5-10 lbs of fat as an assurance there will be enough calories to make milk for the baby.” I will say, I did technically lost all my weight while still nursing, but I had to work for it and it took about six months after I quit nursing to feel like my body was “back to normal.” And don’t even get me started on the mysterious addition of back fat. Another tidbit, my boobs stayed huge, I am talking porn star style until I completely weaned my babes. It didn’t matter if they nursed every hour or twice a day, I couldn’t wear any thing that buttoned up from my pre momma wardrobe. If you are thinking, that is would be wonderful, it is not, it is a pain and I now more than ever wonder why anyone would want to have ginormous boobs.

I am definitely an advocate for breastfeeding, but I am also an advocate for the truth. Just tell me up front that it is going to suck (sorry, I couldn’t resist), tell me it is going to be hard, tell me it is life altering and tell me that as intense as it is, it is a gift that only I can give my children and it is a gift that I will never ever regret giving.

Topless

May 2, 2009

Things I learned this week:

1. Arby’s Turkey Bacon Ranch Market Sandwich has over 800 calories in it. I learned this of course after I ate it.

2. You can’t force a baby to nurse and if you look up advice on how to get a baby to nurse, the main suggestion is to remain topless as much as possible and hope the baby will crawl over to you and start nursing….Please.

3. Trust is giving a friend your password to your face book account.

4. I do stupid and embarrassing things when I am sleep deprived. (Bethany Janice Bell Good, don’t you dare share the one you know, please see #3 and remember….) You know when you meet a new person and they ask you a question, you answer the question, and then they continue to stare at you, so you just keep talking and talking and talking and five minutes later you are thinking in your head “I need to stop talking, this is embarrassing.” But you just keep going. That happened to me at the New Life Ranch dinner. It concluded, after I made a fool of myself, with the girl staring at me and saying, “Well…okay… I am going to go find my table now.” There were many more incidences this week, but I won’t bore you.

5. I still love a good spy mission, and I am glad I still have friends that are as immature as I am.

That was about it. It was not my most productive week.

What did you learn this week?